Do you analyse or do you keep trusting the process? I’m spending my career trying to work out if it’s possible to do both at the same time. But when you’re in the process of rewriting the process that line between analysis and trust is an impossibility of jagged blurriness. The edges catch you even when you’re not looking properly. Do you trust blindly when you’ve only just opened your eyes? I’ve probably lost you already. I don’t know if it’s like this for everyone.
People – me included – say trust the process so often for a reason. It encompasses more than any of us probably are willing to understand, but it enables the exhaustion of the last paragraph to give way to something that more closely resembles enjoyment. It lets intuition and preparation lead you down the right path. But can you trust something without first understanding it? Where does that start and end in a sport that requires you to quite often do the opposite of what your instincts tell you?
I’m irreversibly addicted to all of it. And eternally grateful to the people who make me remember that and stop me getting lost inside my own head and all these words. But that doesn’t mean it’s pretty all the time. Because you know the part of the process that no one says out loud? That doesn’t make it into the cliches or the instagram quotes? It’s a massive brick wall that you slam into just when the addiction is something that excites you again and it’s called reality.
Reality doesn’t give a f*** about waiting for your process. It doesn’t wait for you to figure out which pieces you want to see more clearly and which pieces are still part of the wrong puzzle. Reality plays at its own pace, and sometimes that means it has lapped you before you’ve had time to check your mirrors and work out if your seat is uncomfortable because it’s new or because it’s just not quite right. Reality doesn’t hold your hand and tell you it’s getting better. Reality throws your ball on the downslope of the back bunker and leaves you helplessly wondering which part of the rough might be thick enough to stop your next shot from rolling into the water. Reality gives you a different version of pain and the only thing it leaves in your hands is whether you decide to call it progress.